What I learned from my grandpa’s Death

My grandpa died two days ago. 

As always, I learned about it “in the morning” by European time and “right before my lessons began” by Japanese time.

So, I had to carry this “information” through my lessons.

Turns out, knowing the stages of grief helps process such things faster. 

But even knowing them, and knowing what to expect, and knowing not to stop myself from feeling those things, I found it hard to allow myself to feel anger. 

It felt wrong to be angry. 

And I couldn’t find an object to be angry at. 

Is it my mother who didn’t tell me about his worsening condition earlier? 

Is it me who couldn’t go to see him (and my grandma) before his death?

Is it the war that prevented my visit? 

Who am I supposed to be angry at? 

I chose to be angry at myself. 

At least, I can use this anger to do something about my life so I can avoid or prevent regrets in the future. I really regret not being able to visit him earlier. 

My anger stage wasn’t that strong. Or long. I’m not sure why. 

My denial/bargaining happened when I was at work. And it kinda helped. I didn’t have any meltdowns etc. I was a little irritated at my students (who hadn’t studied). That’s all.

The strongest emotion that day was sadness. 

I cried. 

And I couldn’t stop crying. 

But because I didn’t try to stop or suppress it, it went its natural course and lasted about 10 minutes. 

Then I felt “at peace”. 

Still sad, but at peace. 

I could think clearly. 

And I wanted closure. 

In my mind, closure is being able to construct a story. 

How it happened. What led to it. 

Like a learning experience.

So, I realized that I wanted to know about his health in the last two years of life. 

So, I asked my mom. 

Still waiting for a reply (due it’s night there).  

Update: My mom responded and said that his health problems started several years earlier. I knew about them, but he never looked sick in the photos or videos, so it was hard for me to comprehend it. 

He was always quiet, so he rarely complained. 

Even my parents often didn’t know what was going on.

So… 

What I learned? 

What is my “closure”?

Not sure. 

Just “take care of your health”, I guess. Which I already do. 

And one more…

Communicate with people more.

But that’s for me.

For you?

I’m not sure.

But this experience showed me that grieving is both a process and a skill.

Kinda like running.

You can run naturally as “mother nature taught you”, or you can learn to run better.

You have some control over what’s going on in your mind.

If you struggle with fear of death, here’s an article that may help you:

How to Kick Death Anxiety’s B*TT