Driving anxiety is ruining my life

“Driving anxiety is ruining my life” is exactly how I felt for many years!

I remember one day I was waiting for my girlfriend near a road. It was summer.

It was hot.

I heard electronic music.

It was coming from a car that had stopped at the red light.

A man in his late twenties was driving.

As his car came to a stop, he opened a bottle of cola, leaned back in his seat and enjoyed his refreshing drink while listening to his favorite music.

I remember thinking to myself: “how is this even possible? How can he enjoy driving? It’s so stressful!”

At that time in my life I was just trying to get my license.

My “learning” was so stressful that was nearly suicidal.

You can read about it on My Story page.

I felt I’d rather die than get my drivers license!

This image of a relaxed man got embedded in my mind.

It was so bizarre (in my world) that I HAD to remember it.

Like when you see a sheep with two heads, you just can’t forget it.

That man showed me that it was humanly possible to enjoy driving, even if I didn’t enjoy it at the time.

Fast forward 15 years and I AM that man.

I listen to the music I love.

I go anywhere my car is capable of going.

I drive for hours on highways. I go off-roading.

I drive in the heart of Tokyo, one of the world’s biggest metropolitan areas, and on narrow mountain roads at night.

I enjoy refreshing drinks at traffic lights.

I often drive in the fast lane and don’t stress out.

So, how did I do it?

How can many others who also think that driving anxiety is ruining their life overcome it?

Today we’ll talk about the following:

What everyone should know about driving anxiety and what are the common symptoms
How driving anxiety is formed
3 biggest mistakes when it comes to driving anxiety
The key principle of overcoming any anxiety (including driving anxiety)
The UP5 approach to overcoming your driving anxiety

Driving is amazing!

When you overcome driving anxiety you can feel the freedom of movement.

You will be able to break free from the self-imposed limitations. It’s like escaping from a prison.

One lady mentioned feeling guilty or ashamed of not being able to drive.

She said she often puts others in her family in uncomfortable situations.

They have to drive her.

She can’t help them with shopping, errands etc.

More work for them.

The family ridicules her, complains about her.

And she’s not alone. There are many families like that.

Driving anxiety makes your life worse.

In my case, driving anxiety lowered my self-esteem. It conflicted with my value of freedom.

I truly and deeply value freedom of action and of thought.

I valued freedom, yet I clearly saw that I was not fit to drive.

I was scared. I was stressed. I was unable.

This caused a lot of distress.

I was stressed about being stressed.

Yet, now I’m able to drive without limitations.

I can drive unfamiliar cars (e.g., friends’ cars, rental cars) in unfamiliar places (like during trips), in tight spaces or open highways.

And you know what?

It feels great!

Both the sense of freedom and the sense of “I overcame my fear!” give me true joy.

Sometimes I just smile when I drive.

Recently, during my car trip, I even exclaimed “Now THIS is fun!”, as I was driving on a mountain road here in Japan.

I was alone and this was a pure expression of my joy.

It took me years to overcome my driving anxiety.

This article will help you do it easier and faster.

First, let’s take a look at…

What everyone should know about driving anxiety and its common symptoms

According to a survey conducted in the US by The Zebra:

62% of people have had bad driving-related experiences.

About 66% of people experienced driving anxiety

(full article: https://www.thezebra.com/resources/driving/driving-anxiety/)

According to another study, 25-33% of people who were involved in a car accident present symptoms of PTSD after at least 30 days post-accident. (source: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2396820/)

So, driving anxiety is common.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) estimates that 12.5% of American adults experience a specific phobia at some point in their lives. (source: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/specific-phobia)

If you have driving anxiety, it means that you’re a regular human being.

If you’ve had a traumatic event while in a car, this is normal. Most of us have.

In fact, when I was small, I was once almost killed, yet that didn’t stop me from eventually enjoying driving.

My parents and I were going home one Sunday evening.

I was in the back seat.

As we drove past an intersection, I heard a high-pitched sound coming from somewhere on the right.

That sound was coming from the tires of a car speeding towards the side of our car (exactly where I was sitting!) with its brakes fully locked.

Over 30 years later, I still remember that moment.

I remember the car being blue.

I remember the make and model.

I remember the pine trees in the background.

I remember the color of the sky.

I remember the forward tilt of that blue car.

The blue car missed ours by a couple meters (several feet).

I was terrified. First time in my life, I froze, waiting for the impact.

I stopped breathing for a moment.

But so what?

This is a common experience.

I remember being rear-ended by an old white van with the number plate 88-88.

I remember the rear door glass everywhere in the car.

I remember the pain in my neck.

These experiences are relatively mild, I know.

I’ve had much worse experiences on my bike.

But that’s not my point.

If you’ve been in an accident, it’s normal.

If you’ve experienced post-traumatic stress, you’re normal.

You are a perfectly normal human being.

As unpleasant as it is, there’s nothing wrong with you, or with your experiences.

Such things happen.

Unfortunately.

My coworker one got injured in a car accident and has been struggling with walking up the stairs ever since.

My grandma’s friend’s son died in a car accident.

And when such things happen to you or someone you know we can experience normal reactions of driving anxiety:

a sudden and/or intense fear
sweating, racing heart, and trembling
feeling nauseous
dry mouth
shortness of breath
lightheadedness or feeling faint

Many of these are also the usual symptoms of a panic attack.

And when such a common activity as driving is causing the above symptoms, that’s when we feel that “driving anxiety is ruining my life”.

But if you experience the above symptoms (or other symptoms) of driving anxiety, then please know that these are totally normal and that you can get better.

In fact, according to one of my favorite books by Stephen Joseph PhD titled “What doesn’t kill us”, over a regular lifespan 75% of people experience trauma. But only 8-12% of traumatic events cause PTSD. This number is 20-25% in cases of severe trauma.

Sounds scary, right?

It does!

But then you learn that most people resolve their trauma in 6-12 months.

If they don’t, 50% resolve with therapy.

The conclusion?

If you experience stress while driving, this is normal.

If you’ve had a bad experience in the past, this is normal.

And you’ve very likely to overcome it.

How driving anxiety is formed

There are many possible reasons for driving anxiety.

For example, some driving anxieties originate from other types of anxieties like agoraphobia (fear of going outside), or fear of heights, fear of getting hurt, social anxiety, or GAD.

Some anxieties start suddenly, for example after a bad driving experience.

Others take time to develop.

Some driving anxieties are mild, others are severe.

But in their core, all anxieties have one thing in common.

They are learned.

As a teacher, my job is to make people learn.

So, I study how humans (and all animals) learn.

And I can tell you this: you can fear or enjoy ANYTHING.

It’s possible to be scared of candy and enjoy having spiders crawl on your arms.

It’s a matter of stimulus and response.

Also called conditioning.

The main principle behind any sort of learning is this: our brain changes in response to what happens in the outside world.

A quote by neuropsychologist Donald Hebb helps to remember this principle: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

If you see a candy, then try it and enjoy the taste, your brain will connect the image of the candy with the pleasure of its taste.

If you eat the candy and accidentally choke on it, your brain will connect the image of the candy with the sense of danger.

In the first case, seeing a candy will cause you to want it.

In the second case, you may experience a panic attack.

Once, I got severe food poisoning after eating popcorn.

I didn’t eat popcorn for many years afterwards!

The same principle applies to driving anxiety.

Over time (or quickly) your brain learns that driving is somehow bad for you.

Maybe it feels just unpleasant, or maybe dangerous, but either way your brain wants to avoid it.

3 biggest mistakes when it comes to driving anxiety

So, now you have driving anxiety.

You feel like: “driving anxiety is ruining my life”.

You want to overcome it.

Now what?

It’s easier said than done, but now you need to take action.

All of us take action.

But we all take different kinds of action.

These, in my opinion, are the biggest mistakes that prevent people from healing their driving anxiety.

Avoiding it

Avoiding something is an action.

Not doing something, is still DOING.

I look at dealing with your mental issues like this:

Imagine that you have old food in your fridge.

We’ve all been there.

You forgot about it and now it’s starting to smell.

What do you do?

Basically, there are two options:

Do nothing.
Throw it away.

Since it already smells you may feel disgusted.

You don’t want to do it. You may want to put it off. “Not today” – you may tell yourself.

But the problem is this…

The smell is only going to get worse.

The longer you procrastinate, the worse it gets.

When it comes to anxiety, whatever scares you, needs to be dealt with as soon as possible.

One time, I injured my knee while going down a slide in a park with my son.

I was in pain for several weeks.

Afterwards, I was scared of these slides.

So, what did I do?

As soon as my knee healed, I went back onto a similar slide and slid again.

This time, I did it more carefully and slowly than when I injured my knee.

I did it several times and eventually my fear was gone.

I also found a new way of doing it.

A safer way.

No injuries, only fun.

Had I given in to my fear, I’d have this fear forever.

What’s more, this fear could have gotten worse.

But now it’s gone.

The second mistake I see people make is…

Not addressing your anxiety holistically.

Humans are complex beings.

Your body influences how you feel.

If you get hurt your mood suffers too.

For example, when I hurt my knee, I was both sad and angry (at myself).

The reverse is true as well.

How you feel influences your body.

If you have depression, you may feel constantly sleepy every day, all day.

When you’re happy your body posture and your biochemistry change.

Also, how you feel about one thing, influences how you feel about many other things.

When healing yoyr anxiety, you need to approach it from a holistic perspective.

You can’t just say:

“Hey, if only I could drive, my life would be perfect!”

Most likely, it’s not true.

Sometimes driving anxiety is just a symptom of another anxiety.

You need to make sure both your body and mind are strong enough to deal with anything life throws at you.

I show you how to do it in my course Outsmart Anxiety.

When your body and mind are strong and feeling good, then you can overcome driving anxiety easier and faster.

One of the best ways to keep your body in balance BEFORE you start addressing your anxiety is described here: Why anxiety scientists like tragic accidents?

Not being patient.

Just like you can’t force a plant to grow faster by pulling on it, you can’t force yourself to heal your anxiety faster than you naturally can.

Learning takes time.

It takes repetitions.

It takes rest.

Many people assume that “it’s all in my head” and that they can just power through any emotion.

Not so.

Find out what exactly makes you avoid it, what you’re afraid of.

Find it and target that fear.

When overcoming driving anxiety, take your time.

But be persistent.

Taking time doesn’t equal giving up or procrastinating.

It means: don’t rush.

Find your pace and stick with it.

And here’s how…

The key principle of overcoming any anxiety

So, what do we do?

Broadly speaking, there are two ways of dealing with driving anxiety:

Force yourself to overcome it.
Heal yourself into overcoming it.

They both work.

If you have strong willpower and are good at doing hard things, you can follow the first approach.

You will force yourself to drive.

This new experience will teach you that there is no danger in driving.

This is how I overcame my anxiety around slides.

After the injury, I didn’t want to slide anymore.

I just did it using my willpower.

This approach, in my experience, works best for simple activities.

If you’re not good at doing the hard thing, or you’ve already been doing it and it doesn’t work, then you may want to try another approach.

Self-care and self-healing.

You can read about it here: -> Can’t Overcome Anxiety? Why not Outsmart it instead?

I also talk about it in great length in my course Outsmart Anxiety.

Basically, you accept yourself as you are, with all your feelings, fears, limitations, and then help yourself grow.

You treat yourself as your own child. As someone you’re responsible for helping.

This allows you to break the vicious circle of fear -> guilt -> fear of the fear -> more fear.

Once you break this vicious circle, you can then turn it into a virtuous circle of healing.

As you heal, you gain more power.

And as you gain more power, you can start challenging yourself to experience the situations you’re anxious about.

As you experience them, in a measured and careful way, you will learn that these situations are not nearly as bad as you expected them to be.

There’s a very effective way to do it that I teach in the Outsmart Anxiety course.

And as your brain sees that you can deal well with these situations, then your anxiety weakens.

You persevere and it weakens even more.

On day one, you were only able to get into your car and start the engine, but now you’ve driven over that scary high bridge and you’re OK!

You will feel this new sense of freedom.

You will start believing in yourself again!

You will avoid all the fear and doubt you have.

Nobody will ever mention anything about you not being able to drive. You will enjoy your relationships more.

Maybe you will be able to get the job you want – but weren’t able to get before due to your fear of driving.

I don’t know how driving will improve your life, but it sure did improve my life.

And you know the best news?

You’ve already made the first step!

You’ve read this far.

Now you have the information you need to start!

2 practical steps to overcoming driving anxiety

You can remember these two steps using the acronym UP5.

Understand and Practice 5 times.

The first step is to understand what exactly makes you anxious about driving.

There are two ways of doing it:

Think long and hard.
Try various types of driving and see which one gets you anxious.

For example, you may experience fear of closed spaces, of accidents, of injury to yourself, or having your loved ones injured. Some people are afraid of driving in certain places only: highways, dark roads, big cities, narrow roads, mountain roads, crowded areas.

Some people have death anxiety and that causes them to fear driving as well.

Some people are afraid of driving alone, others prefer to drive alone (e.g. if they’re afraid of injuring others).

You need to find out what exactly stresses you out.

In my case, I was worried about tree things:

Parking.
Causing discomfort to drivers around me.
Losing my focus and getting into an accident.

I could drive for short distances and when there were no other cars on the road.

But driving in traffic? So stressful!

You need to know which steps of driving cause your anxiety.

If you don’t yet know that, you can go on an “exploratory drive”.

Pick a time and place when you have both time and space to “explore” your anxiety.

The best are the weekend mornings.

There’s usually nearly no traffic on the road, and you’re free to spend as much time as you need.

This takes away a lot of pressure.

You feel more relaxed.

It’s also much easier to drive.

The goal for this exploratory drive is to find what exactly causes your stress.

If you find that nothing caused your stress on the first drive, then you change up the conditions a little.

Maybe you leave a little later next week when there’s more traffic.

Or maybe you drive to a different place (over a bridge or a tunnel) – whatever may cause your anxiety.

If you drove with someone before, try driving alone.

If you worry about not having anyone to help you, then pick a time when someone at home is available to help you if you call them. Again, weekend mornings work well.

Once you find one aspect that makes you anxious, you need to practice it.

If you find that driving over bridges is scary, then drive over a bridge 5 times.

There’s a trick though.

If you feel like you can’t drive over the bridge, then take the “driving” part out of it.

Possible options:

Walk over the bridge.
Walk over the bridge with someone else (who’s not afraid of it).
Have someone else drive you over the bridge.
Ride your bicycle over the bridge.

A word of warning though: walking over bridges may actually be scary – many bridges tend to sway and “bounce” when heavy vehicles pass.

This is done for safety, as a completely solid bridge would eventually crack and collapse. A slightly flexible bridge can sway a little and remain in one piece.

You can easily break ice, but you can never break water.

Same principle works here.

If you’re walking across a bridge, you can stop at any time before it gets too stressful and try again.

You can either stop and stand in the place where you feel a manageable level of stress, or you can go back a little and try proceeding when your level of stress goes down.

Do this 4 more times.

Eventually you will find that your body and your brain get used to the experience of being on a bridge.

If you can’t do it the first time you try, you can come back to the same bridge next time. It can be next weekend.

The goal is to be persistent.

The goal is to just keep trying.

If you tried you succeeded.

Eventually, you will be able to walk across the bridge (that you now know so well).

If you walked over the bridge with someone, now you can walk alone.

If you already did it alone, it’s time to drive across it.

If you can drive over smaller bridges, find a bigger bridge.

Then, a bigger bridge.

Eventually, you will learn two things:

You can overcome your anxiety.
You can drive.

If your anxiety flares up not when driving over bridges, but in other situations, then use the UP5 process to practice in those situations.

Conclusion

You can overcome your driving anxiety regardless of the reason you have it.

It is possible even if now you feel like: “driving anxiety is ruining my life”.

Many people have driving anxiety.

Many people overcome driving anxiety.

Many other people just like you have done it and you can do it as well.

Avoid the 3 big driving anxiety mistakes: don’t avoid driving, address your driving anxiety holistically (as I show in the Outsmart Anxiety course), and be patient with yourself.

Use the UP5 approach to outsmart whatever is causing your driving anxiety and your driving anxiety will stop ruining your life.

Good luck!

Driving anxiety is ruining my life – now what?