Overcoming anxiety is not the last stop of your journey. 

Imagine this for a second: 

You are now anxiety-free. 

You overcame anxiety. 

You followed the SMART process of overcoming anxiety and now it’s mostly gone.

And how do you feel now?

You may think your life would be great!

Peaceful!

Calm.

Happy.

But in reality…

What you will have is merely an OK life. 

Sure, it’s not a living hell anymore, but, with anxiety, you at least had something to fight against! You had something to do, something to avoid. 

You had a powerful enemy (your anxiety). 

Now you’ve outsmarted your anxiety and now you’re standing alone on the battlefield.

Your enemy is gone. 

You feel relief. 

And…

…boredom.

You quickly realize that absence of anxiety doesn’t automatically make you happy or fulfilled. 

It makes it just OK.

Not good. 

Not bad.

Just OK.

And a tiny part of you may even wish for “the enemy” to come back. 

But you know that it will only lead to more suffering for you and for people close to you.

So, what are you supposed to do? 

Now we need to build your life so that anxiety has no way of coming back.

And at the same time, we will make your life not just OK, but genuinely happy, excited and fulfilled.

You’ll be excited to get out of bed in the morning and will have the energy and drive to build the life you want. 

Today we’ll talk about the scientifically proven ways to be happy and to build a self-improving life.

Yes, a life that gets better and better almost on its own!

Today we’ll talk about: 

1. PERMA framework to leading a happy life.
2. Building good habits and destroying bad habits easier and faster.

What is PERMA?

PERMA is a framework developed by Martin Seligman PhD that shows you how to lead a “flourishing” life. 

Martin Seligman doesn’t like the word “happy” because it’s too vague. 

You can’t measure happiness, but scientists love measuring things. 

So, he uses the word flourishing instead.

However, in my opinion, they are similar. 

PERMA stands for: 

• Positive emotions
• Engagement
• Relationships
• Meaning
• Achievements

Positive Emotions: Focus on experiences that bring you joy and happiness. This could be as simple as enjoying a hobby or spending time with loved ones.

Engagement: Get involved in activities that fully absorb you. This “flow” state happens when you’re completely focused on what you’re doing and lose track of time.

Relationships: Build strong, supportive connections with others. Good relationships are crucial for your happiness and can provide a buffer against anxiety.

Meaning: Find a sense of purpose in your life. Engaging in activities that make you feel part of something bigger can boost your well-being.

Accomplishment: Set and achieve goals, big or small. The sense of achievement helps build confidence and motivation.

Imagine losing any of these components.

You can’t lead a happy life. 

Bad relationships? Unhappy.

No meaning in life? Life is just OK. 

Nothing positive to enjoy? Grey, boring life. 

You get the picture. 

But when you develop all these things in your life…

You will see how good your life can feel. 

Let’s begin.

Positive emotions

You don’t need to wait for anxiety to leave to feel good. 

Positive emotions can live right next to anxiety. They can even help you fight it!

Even in your darkest moments in life you can find something positive (like in the story about the hospital parking lot I mention in my Outsmart Anxiety course).

Each positive feeling is a small victory. 

A reminder that life has beautiful moments, even when anxiety tries to tell you otherwise.

Here’s how to use this principle:

When you know what you enjoy you can “mix in” some positive emotions into the negative ones.

For example, you like reading books. 

But you hate crowded places. 

How about trying to read books in a slightly crowded place? 

(of course, you need to follow the fear ladders approach described here: How I Stood Up To A Bully (and Won!) Using These 4 Techniques For Anxiety and not exceed 4 out of 10 discomfort level)

This way, you’re not just fighting anxiety. 

You’re building a better life. 

And this “better life” will naturally start replacing your anxiety. 

You will re-learn how to enjoy life. 

You will re-teach your mind that crowded places CAN be fun, even if they aren’t right now.

Find activities and places that bring you joy and relaxation and then mix in some stress, but not too much “to spoil the pie”. 

It’s like giving kids medicine. 

You sometimes need to mix the medicine into the jelly.

In my case, I used to hate crowds, but I always enjoyed the sea. 

So, I used to go to the sea and walk among people on purpose. 

After doing it long enough I saw something change in my mind.

One day, when someone sat near me, I was brave enough and didn’t get up to leave like I had used to. 

I’d just sit there and experience my emotions of fear that this person (an innocent-looking person!) would attack me.

I saw that this was just in my head. 

The people never attacked me!

What’s more, I could shift my focus towards the beautiful sky, the waves hitting the shore and the reflection of the sun in the water. 

Gradually, my brain (the amygdala) learned that maybe it shouldn’t freak out every time someone is near me. 

Not only that, but I also felt that being around people isn’t “bad”. 

In fact, it’s interesting. 

Without people, it would be a very lonely life. 

A total, 180-degree reversal from my previous fears.

But it started with a tiny change. Mixing in what I enjoyed with what I feared.

If you read this article How to overcome anxiety with just 6 mental skills (about the Manage your mind step of the SMART process) you already have the tools to discover what you enjoy.

Keep a journal and collect the activities and things that you enjoy. 

For example, this is how I discovered that both I and my son like picnics. 

I hadn’t realized it for 35+ years of my life until I started paying attention and writing thighs down. 

So, now we often go together to have a picnic in picturesque spots in Japan.

Engagement

Engagement, in my opinion, is a sister concept to Positive emotions. 

When you start enjoying what you do then you will also experience the state of engagement. 

It’s also described as being fully immersed in the moment.

Another word for it is “flow”, made popular by a psychologist and academic Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

Basically, the state of flow arises when the activity is challenging and when the challenge is at about the same level as your skills. 

Imagine you’re playing a sport. 

If you’re playing against a much stronger team (or an individual), you’ll lose and will hate the game. 

If you’re playing against a much weaker team, you’ll get bored.

But when you’re playing against a team of about the same level as you, that’s when you can experience the state of flow (or engagement).

You feel dissolved in the activity. 

You feel like you’re not IN the game. 

You are a part of the game. 

You are the game.

And, at some point you forget that you even exist. 

There’s only the game. 

This is the “flow”.

To be truly happy (or flourishing), you need to find the activities that engage you: your mind, your senses, your feelings and then challenge yourself in those activities.

When you challenge yourself realistically, you’ll see that you experience flow.

Relationships

People with anxiety often struggle with relationships. 

There are many possible explanations for this.

Some people have social anxiety. 

Some have rejection anxiety. 

Others’ people’s relationships suffer from the symptoms of anxiety. 

Anxiety limits what you can do and often limits what you can do with others. 

Yet, relationships are key to well-being. 

Positive connections with others can improve our happiness and health. 

When we have strong relationships, we feel supported and valued. It creates a sense of belonging.

But here’s a problem. 

Anxiety hurts your relationships. 

For example, one study examined how married couples assess their relationships over time. 

It turned out that when wife’s anxiety levels were higher, husbands rated their quality of relationship lower.

(source: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5177451/)

So, anxiety can hurt your relationships. 

On the other hand, the same study showed that your relationships can cause anxiety. 

Your partner can be supportive or unsupportive. They can be good at solving problems or bad at it. 

So, your anxiety influences your relationships, and vice versa.

So, what do you do? 

As we talked about in other articles on this website, you can’t control what other people do. 

You can only control what you do.

So, do what you can do. 

Please, check the article 50 shades of anxiety: How to identify and destroy yours? to identify the source of your anxiety. 

Most likely, one of two will be true: 

1. The relationship is making your anxiety worse.
2. Your anxiety is making a good relationship worse.

In the first situation, you need to either change the relationship or end it. 

Some possible ways to change the relationship are: 

1. Become independent (financially, mentally etc.).
2. Speak your mind openly and respectfully and make it easy to understand.
3. Know which behaviors are acceptable for you and which are not. Have boundaries.
4. Know and communicate your values and goals. 
5. Use self-management techniques to track your progress.

If you see that your anxiety is the problem, then you need to address it. And we already talked about it at length. 

You can start the process here: Can’t Overcome Anxiety? Why Not Outsmart It Instead?

If you are already recovering from anxiety, then I suggest that you build your new life (including your new or changed relationships) around your meaning and purpose in life.

Meaning

Whenever I talk to someone struggling with anxiety I usually ask them: what’s your purpose in life?

Almost nobody can answer. 

When I struggled with anxiety, it was hard to answer this question either.

On one hand, you have no energy to think about such abstract things.

On the other hand, if you do find the time and energy to contemplate meaning in life and purpose you will find that having a purpose requires you to do things for others. 

You may then think: “How am I going to help anybody else if I can’t even help myself?”

I was like that. 

But here’s the thing…

By helping others you may be helping yourself!

It’s much easier to help others than to help yourself. 

When you’re trying to “fix yourself”, you are both the actor and the object.

You are both the ball and the foot kicking the ball.

You are both the knife and the apple that’s being cut with it.

It’s hard to be both. 

But when you deal with other people or problems, suddenly you realize that it’s not as hard as dealing with yourself. 

What’s more, you may discover that you can see yourself when you help others. 

You can help yourself by helping others. 

When I first started working with kids (at a kindergarten), it was like a revelation!

It felt therapeutic. 

I looked at the kids and I saw myself.

In kids, I saw different elements of my own personality: my emotions, my skills, my likes and dislikes. My fears, anxieties, my hobbies and my talents.

I could then understand and manage myself better.

Helping others can be therapeutic.

So, what should you do? 

Where should you start?

Should you just go out and help random people? 

No.

If you do it, you will probably waste a lot of energy and feel nothing positive in return.

First I recommend doing the “magic death button” exercise. 

Magic Death Button exercise goes like this: 

Imagine you had a magic button. 

If you press the button, you will die instantly.

Instead, one problem in the world will be magically solved.

Solving what problem would you sacrifice your life for?

That’s your purpose in life.

You see, the question is worded that way that it forces you to consider the greater world. 

Not just your family (which is important, of course).

Initially, you will not know the answer to this question. 

Almost nobody does. 

But if you keep this question in mind long enough you will find your answer. 

It also helps to know what you value in life. 

You need to know yourself. 

In my Outsmart Anxiety course I recommend learning about using the Universal Human Values by Shalom Schwartz and his colleagues as a framework for your life. 

You can test yourself online here:

https://www.idrlabs.com/human-values/test.php

Below you can find a repository of the same questionnaire in text format in many languages: https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/orpc/vol2/iss2/9/

When you know what you value you can easily see that there isn’t enough of it in life. 

You can then phrase that as a problem.

For example, there isn’t enough freedom, or traditions, or safety in the world. Or there’s too much suffering, poverty, disease.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could help solve that problem?

If you could lower the amount of suffering in the world and increase the amount of happiness in the world…

When you know what that problem is that is more important than your life, then you will immediately lower your anxiety by not paying too much attention to it. 

Because now you will be focused on something else.

Something other than yourself. 

You will start missing your anxiety cues. 

Racing heart? “Whatever.”

Feeling worried? “So what. I have more important things to do!”

Want to run away and hide? “Not now. I’m busy”

You will start working towards solving that problem.

Each day you will “sacrifice” your life towards solving the problem. 

So, that magic button is not so magic after all.

Each day will be filled with meaning and purpose.

And when each day is like that, then you don’t pay attention to your anxiety. You don’t waste time on it.

Having a purpose can also help you with improving your relationships.

You will be able to build relationships with like-minded people who support each other.

You will be able to distance yourself from people who go against your values and your purpose. 

Your life will be better.

Accomplishment

As you work towards your purpose, you will find that you will start accumulating small wins. 

These wins can come to you in different areas of life. 

As I mentioned in this article: How I Stood Up To A Bully (and Won!) Using These 4 Techniques For Anxiety …

Gaining small wins (or small success stories) is how you overcome anxiety and desensitize yourself. 

But to get the small wins, you need to make small changes in your behavior. 

Yes, I know. 

Changing behavior is hard. 

Here are the four laws of behavior change that make it much easier.

According to author James Clear there are 4 laws of behavior change.

The Four Laws of Behavior Change are a simple set of rules we can use to build better habits. They are (1) make it obvious, (2) make it attractive, (3) make it easy, and (4) make it satisfying.

For example, you want to start a new good habit.

Maybe you want to start smiling more. 

After all, smiling can make you feel happier as research shows: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41562-022-01458-9

So you need to make it: 

1. Obvious: you post a note on your fridge or your phone. You buy a happy-face phone cover. You’re constantly reminded to smile.
2. Attractive. You want it. Know the benefits of smiling. You remember that smiling faces are more attractive. 
3. Easy. A smile is already easy. To make it even “easier” you treat any smile (no matter how small) as a success. 
4. Satisfying. You find a way to reward yourself for smiling. You notice that some other people smile in return. You keep a tally of how many times you smiled today. You have a tiny chocolate if you smiled at least once.

That’s how to change your behavior easier. 

On the other hand, if you want to make negative behavior less likely, you need to reverse these steps. 

Make it non-obvious, unattractive, difficult and not satisfying. 

For example, you want to stop calling someone when you have a panic attack. This annoys them and hurts your relationship with them. 

So, you need to make it: 

1. Non-obvious. Make calling just one of many possible behaviors during a panic attack. Find better (more sustainable) ways to deal with the symptoms. 
2. Unattractive. Think about how it looks if you call someone. You look weak, dependent. Not like an adult should. 
3. Difficult. Make sure you don’t have a phone with you. That will make it nearly impossible to call the person.
4. Unsatisfying. If you do call someone, look back and ask yourself: was it worth it? Did it really help against the panic attack in your body, or it just made you feel better. 

This may sound harsh, but I know how it feels. 

After one bad panic attack at work I realized that I needed better ways to deal with my panic than calling for help. 

There are better ways, and I use them now. 

Also, when you apply this approach to the items on your fear ladder, then you will not suffer as much. 

As you get more and more small wins and small success stories you will build your accomplishment treasury. 

You will be able to look back and see how much you’ve accomplished.

This will make you proud of yourself and… happy!

If you want to get access to my course simply go to this page where you can order it and get instant access.